The Author of Marriage

Ok so I don’t always do as I say. I am sure anyone that knows me is really shocked. Ha. The truth is I really do believe this stuff, but in the words of Paul “The spirit is willing and the flesh is weak.” I am reminded of an old favorite song by Steven Curtis Chapman titled “Weak days” where he sings “I’ve got to keep my eyes on Jesus through the weak (week) days”

So now to bare my soul and admit my failures to all of you on paper, forever as record of what happens when we don’t keep our eyes on Jesus.

My wife and I had an interesting evening. We had just met with one of our pre-married couples and discussed many of the things that I should have practiced later that evening. On our way home I reminded her that we still had plans for the evening….

I want even now to identify where she was wrong in her response. I still have a full arsenal and want so bad to blast her even as I write this. So my struggle begins, as similar as it is to Paul’s struggle with sin, I think I have to go through it anyways.

As I take my first intelligent look back I am thinking I didn’t do anything wrong. We had just finished spending a great evening with encouraging words and uplifting comments. So we are driving home and I mentioned that I was looking forward to spending some intimate time with her and what ever it was she said, I felt rejection. What a horrible feeling although I remember brushing it off. So far I was responding the way I teach others to. Then we get home and I jump into the shower and I start talking to her about some of my goals financially, including reduction of debt. Still my heart was ok. I truly was having this conversation as an assurance that we would climb back quickly from the damage of the previous year. Somehow, she did not hear that. She started pointing horizontally. Once again I was rejected. I know clearly that I have made some mistakes that have led to loss of money in our family bank account. It already bothers me that I have failed her. For her to bring up my mistakes was just wrong! But it’s not my job to point back. But I did. The flesh is weak and wounded, I reacted to the pain. I retaliated by instinct like an animal that has been injured bites back even if you are trying to help it. Either because of growth or decline I am not sure which, I left. I used to insist that she talk about it right there before going to sleep, in spite of the fact that she is not a night person.

I retreated to my hammock outside expecting any minute for her to emerge and apologize. Why shouldn’t she. She was clearly wrong. She rejected me, humiliated me and blamed me for years of mistakes. Where they even mistakes? More like investments that were not profitable. I felt myself preparing for a battle that I knew I would win. I started searching through the cabinets of my mind for ammunition. I found some and remembered where I put a whole box of amo, I started towards that door and then the pain of my wounds distracted me and the truth about myself cut me again as if the blade was still stuck in my back. It was my fault; the things she said were true. But wait a minute; I did not do anything to intentionally hurt us. God could have stepped in at any time. He allowed this. If He allowed it, then there is something He wants her to learn. Smile. J After all I sought God daily on the decisions I made. If He allowed these things to happen to our economy and personally to our financial status then there was something more important than the money. Remembering the financial classes at church I acknowledged that it all belongs to God and if He wants to take some away, then who are we to complain. I waited. She never came outside.

Now I was really mad. I surprised myself, I have never been and angry person. But I mentally started moving towards the amo cabinet. How could she sleep! How insensitive! Didn’t she know the damage she caused? That is just wrong! To deliver a wound like that and then just peacefully go to dream-land as if nothing had happened at all. She must not have a heart. How else would you explain this. She can’t be sleeping well. I am sure God will give her nightmares to help her realize how wrong she is. Still nothing, it was quiet -about midnight now. As I gathered ammunition I looked for just the right thing to say, maybe the hollow point, when it hits it separates and has incredible knock down power, that’s what I need.  Interesting that they call it a hollow point.

I know, I’ll send her some witty texts on her phone. She will wake up and realized she should come apologize.

Still nothing. She either saw them and is completely selfish by ignoring them or she is sleeping so peacefully because she has no conscience at all. Why does she want to always have someone to blame? Why does it always seem to be me. After all life is not perfect. We won’t know perfect until we see Jesus again. She is definitely barking up the wrong tree with me. I know I am not perfect, I mean none of us, right?

Oh yeah I’ve just found a real powerful round. Remember the verse that talks about taking the beam out of your eye so you can see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye? I’ll text something like that too her. If she is awake she will surely realize she has a beam in her eye and come to me. I waited. Getting a little tired now, but still too worked up to sleep.

Still feeling pain from my wounds like I was shot with rock salt, it stings. For a fleeting moment, I think it would have been better to receive a final blow instead of these flesh wounds that hurt so much. Wounds to my flesh? Hmmm, sounds like something from the bible. Something about the flesh dying…. Still too hurt to know where that is coming from. That’s it. I don’t need to blow her away with my words, I just need to cause her pain like she did to me. Something about not retaliating flashes through my mind but I dismiss its annoying tug, still not sure what that is about.

Ok, I am exhausted. I guess she is not coming. I will let her know that I will be unavailable tomorrow to help her with anything. Maybe that will sting a little. I’m sure I will think of something more in the morning. Embarrassed for a second by my thoughts, that does not sound like me or does it? Maybe the old me. Who can tell the difference when you are wounded and tired. I’ll keep preparing for the battle in the morning, I hope I don’t forget where I put all my ammunition, but I am sure I will find more in the morning.

I lay down in the bed next to my wife, not trying to be quiet as I usually am, maybe she’ll wake and I can lie, saying sorry for waking you. I laid there rigid in my place determined not to loose this amo I had found. As I faded I felt the grasp loosen and I finally felt my mind release my weapons.

I woke with a jolt, I listened. Unusually awake, I thought of preparing for the battle. How could I have let myself sleep. Oh yeah, that was going to be my first blow. She’s walking by now. If she knows I am awake then she will ask if I will still help her this morning. No, She needs to know she can not treat me that way and then get a good nights sleep and expect everything to be ok in the morning. Why does that stuff not bother her? She must not care about me at all. She definitely cares more about sleep than she does about me. As I fond the amo cabinet in my mind again, I added to that and said to myself she obviously cares more about money and our financial future more than she does about our relationship. This was very evident to me based on the pain I felt from the wounds I received the night before.

I think I wounded her by not waking up or appearing like I wasn’t awake. If she doesn’t notice all that I do, I will just stop doing that stuff. I’ll start by not making the bed.  That probably won’t work. She won’t notice since I have not been very good at this lately. For a second I think, maybe I have not been doing a good job at showing her I love her….. None of that matters right now. I just need to find my ammunition. I just can’t seem to remember anything. Mornings are not very good for me. I am having trouble remembering why I am angry. I know she did something. I still feel the pain, just not sure how it happened, like a bruise that you get and not sure how it happened. 

Whew!, finally, she is gone. I get up and notice I have lost even more weight. I have been trying to loose, having said to others that my wife deserves less of me, physically and spiritually. Wow, I’m starting to wake up now. I have my men’s business lunch group today; I am not sure what I will talk about. Driving around doing errands and thinking I need to work, I was just not in the mood. It’s all her fault anyways, so I have her to blame for having a non-productive day. Oh, no I completely missed a morning appointment. 

I arrive early at lunch and think I will work a little on my book, and this is the result. 

After sharing with the guys some of what I had experienced I realized after about 30 minutes or so that I could have stopped the whole disagreement by not being so selfish. If I had only stopped to think about what I know about my lovely wife, I would have known that she likes her beauty sleep, (I have carefully chosen to use the word “likes” instead of “needs” beauty sleep), because she truly is a beautiful woman inside and out. I should have known that we went a little late in our meeting. I should have known that after eleven pm she is not interested in having a long conversation. I should have know after 15 years that when she gets tired she says things she does not mean. I should have known her better. This is my sin. The sin that started it all. I can think now of lots of verses that should have come to me last night. Like “Philippians 2: 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” or “I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered”. I should have known. Nothing else matters. It does not matter what she did, that is between her and God. God wants to change me. And today I think He did. I will remember. I will commit to memory which cabinet holds the “flower vase” instead of ammunition.