The Author of Marriage

Before you get upset with me about my title, I want to explain. It’s directly taken from Job 2:10.

Job 2:10 He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

It just so happens that in this story the woman was the one who was not trusting God. This does not mean that men don’t have this problem as well, the point is that if we take our eyes off Jesus for even a second and doubt His goodness, then we are foolish.

It is foolish to not accept the bad as well as the good in our lives. Even though we don’t like to think about the pain of the bad stuff that happens to us, it is usually later that we realize all that God taught us during that time.  It is hard to think about the losses and still keep a positive attitude. You see we think we know what we need. Many of us have merged the lines between need and want. We really do not trust that God will provide. We can do all the right things and still not get what we want. Although I am writing about marriage I think that sometimes we need to go back to the basics and allow ourselves to be parented again. So with that in mind I want to share with you something that we learned while taking parenting classes about 14 years ago. We had been married for about a year and had decided that we wanted to be foster parents. We were expecting our first child and were taking classes provided by the foster care system.

One of the most valuable lessons we learned in the course was to identify the needs of the child. These needs were described as follows. The child needs or has a right to a roof over their head, food, basic clothing, privacy and a place to sleep. Everything else is a privilege and can be taken away at any time.

It is foolish to expect to have all that we want. God knows that will not satisfy us. True satisfaction comes from investing inward. Investing inward is being willing to take the time to read, It is taking the time to discuss our hearts with our spouses without any blame. Investing inwardly often requires sacrifice but the rewards are more precious than silver. The only investment that will always have a good return is the investment in relationships. The most solid of these investments is our relationship with God and second with our spouse.

I really don’t like “what ifs”, especially when they seem to be focused on the worst possible outcome. I suppose this is a personality trait, but I also believe that we are called to think on “whatever is lovely”

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

However, it is sometimes helpful for the purpose of inward investments, contentment, joy or happiness, to consider the value of life based on a “what if” question.

So what if you were to wake up tomorrow in a house filling with smoke. The first thing you think about is your family. You rush to get them all out of the house and are relieved that everyone is ok. Your house burns to the ground with your cars in the garage and you later hear that insurance will not cover the loss due to some clause you were unaware of. While sitting at a restaurant with your family trying to figure out what to do next, You get a phone call from your boss explaining that the economy has taken its toll on his business and he needs to let you go. You start to beg for your job but you get interrupted by gasps from other customers who are now gathering around a television. The reporter says we have been attacked again in at least ten major cities. The reporter trys to maintain composure but fails as he says, “The stock market is crashing like never before, Its over folks! Life as we know it is over”. What if this was to happen to you? Would your value system change? What would be important to you then? The reason I wanted to take this emotional journey with you is for you to consider how you invest your time. What did you spend your money on last month? Did you spend it on things that can be lost in the fire?

My desire here is to help you to prepare for the bad, be ready to weather the storm, but to focus on the good and all the blessings. As the old song goes “Count your blessings, name them one by one”. Try it. I mean now. Stop reading for a moment and name your blessings out loud. …….. Do you feel better? If you don’t then I have not done a very good job of helping you to understand what your needs are. Or maybe you should start over and read this again. And take time to look up the verses I have mentioned. Read!

Ok so I don’t always do as I say. I am sure anyone that knows me is really shocked. Ha. The truth is I really do believe this stuff, but in the words of Paul “The spirit is willing and the flesh is weak.” I am reminded of an old favorite song by Steven Curtis Chapman titled “Weak days” where he sings “I’ve got to keep my eyes on Jesus through the weak (week) days”

So now to bare my soul and admit my failures to all of you on paper, forever as record of what happens when we don’t keep our eyes on Jesus.

My wife and I had an interesting evening. We had just met with one of our pre-married couples and discussed many of the things that I should have practiced later that evening. On our way home I reminded her that we still had plans for the evening….

I want even now to identify where she was wrong in her response. I still have a full arsenal and want so bad to blast her even as I write this. So my struggle begins, as similar as it is to Paul’s struggle with sin, I think I have to go through it anyways.

As I take my first intelligent look back I am thinking I didn’t do anything wrong. We had just finished spending a great evening with encouraging words and uplifting comments. So we are driving home and I mentioned that I was looking forward to spending some intimate time with her and what ever it was she said, I felt rejection. What a horrible feeling although I remember brushing it off. So far I was responding the way I teach others to. Then we get home and I jump into the shower and I start talking to her about some of my goals financially, including reduction of debt. Still my heart was ok. I truly was having this conversation as an assurance that we would climb back quickly from the damage of the previous year. Somehow, she did not hear that. She started pointing horizontally. Once again I was rejected. I know clearly that I have made some mistakes that have led to loss of money in our family bank account. It already bothers me that I have failed her. For her to bring up my mistakes was just wrong! But it’s not my job to point back. But I did. The flesh is weak and wounded, I reacted to the pain. I retaliated by instinct like an animal that has been injured bites back even if you are trying to help it. Either because of growth or decline I am not sure which, I left. I used to insist that she talk about it right there before going to sleep, in spite of the fact that she is not a night person.

I retreated to my hammock outside expecting any minute for her to emerge and apologize. Why shouldn’t she. She was clearly wrong. She rejected me, humiliated me and blamed me for years of mistakes. Where they even mistakes? More like investments that were not profitable. I felt myself preparing for a battle that I knew I would win. I started searching through the cabinets of my mind for ammunition. I found some and remembered where I put a whole box of amo, I started towards that door and then the pain of my wounds distracted me and the truth about myself cut me again as if the blade was still stuck in my back. It was my fault; the things she said were true. But wait a minute; I did not do anything to intentionally hurt us. God could have stepped in at any time. He allowed this. If He allowed it, then there is something He wants her to learn. Smile. J After all I sought God daily on the decisions I made. If He allowed these things to happen to our economy and personally to our financial status then there was something more important than the money. Remembering the financial classes at church I acknowledged that it all belongs to God and if He wants to take some away, then who are we to complain. I waited. She never came outside.

Now I was really mad. I surprised myself, I have never been and angry person. But I mentally started moving towards the amo cabinet. How could she sleep! How insensitive! Didn’t she know the damage she caused? That is just wrong! To deliver a wound like that and then just peacefully go to dream-land as if nothing had happened at all. She must not have a heart. How else would you explain this. She can’t be sleeping well. I am sure God will give her nightmares to help her realize how wrong she is. Still nothing, it was quiet -about midnight now. As I gathered ammunition I looked for just the right thing to say, maybe the hollow point, when it hits it separates and has incredible knock down power, that’s what I need.  Interesting that they call it a hollow point.

I know, I’ll send her some witty texts on her phone. She will wake up and realized she should come apologize.

Still nothing. She either saw them and is completely selfish by ignoring them or she is sleeping so peacefully because she has no conscience at all. Why does she want to always have someone to blame? Why does it always seem to be me. After all life is not perfect. We won’t know perfect until we see Jesus again. She is definitely barking up the wrong tree with me. I know I am not perfect, I mean none of us, right?

Oh yeah I’ve just found a real powerful round. Remember the verse that talks about taking the beam out of your eye so you can see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye? I’ll text something like that too her. If she is awake she will surely realize she has a beam in her eye and come to me. I waited. Getting a little tired now, but still too worked up to sleep.

Still feeling pain from my wounds like I was shot with rock salt, it stings. For a fleeting moment, I think it would have been better to receive a final blow instead of these flesh wounds that hurt so much. Wounds to my flesh? Hmmm, sounds like something from the bible. Something about the flesh dying…. Still too hurt to know where that is coming from. That’s it. I don’t need to blow her away with my words, I just need to cause her pain like she did to me. Something about not retaliating flashes through my mind but I dismiss its annoying tug, still not sure what that is about.

Ok, I am exhausted. I guess she is not coming. I will let her know that I will be unavailable tomorrow to help her with anything. Maybe that will sting a little. I’m sure I will think of something more in the morning. Embarrassed for a second by my thoughts, that does not sound like me or does it? Maybe the old me. Who can tell the difference when you are wounded and tired. I’ll keep preparing for the battle in the morning, I hope I don’t forget where I put all my ammunition, but I am sure I will find more in the morning.

I lay down in the bed next to my wife, not trying to be quiet as I usually am, maybe she’ll wake and I can lie, saying sorry for waking you. I laid there rigid in my place determined not to loose this amo I had found. As I faded I felt the grasp loosen and I finally felt my mind release my weapons.

I woke with a jolt, I listened. Unusually awake, I thought of preparing for the battle. How could I have let myself sleep. Oh yeah, that was going to be my first blow. She’s walking by now. If she knows I am awake then she will ask if I will still help her this morning. No, She needs to know she can not treat me that way and then get a good nights sleep and expect everything to be ok in the morning. Why does that stuff not bother her? She must not care about me at all. She definitely cares more about sleep than she does about me. As I fond the amo cabinet in my mind again, I added to that and said to myself she obviously cares more about money and our financial future more than she does about our relationship. This was very evident to me based on the pain I felt from the wounds I received the night before.

I think I wounded her by not waking up or appearing like I wasn’t awake. If she doesn’t notice all that I do, I will just stop doing that stuff. I’ll start by not making the bed.  That probably won’t work. She won’t notice since I have not been very good at this lately. For a second I think, maybe I have not been doing a good job at showing her I love her….. None of that matters right now. I just need to find my ammunition. I just can’t seem to remember anything. Mornings are not very good for me. I am having trouble remembering why I am angry. I know she did something. I still feel the pain, just not sure how it happened, like a bruise that you get and not sure how it happened. 

Whew!, finally, she is gone. I get up and notice I have lost even more weight. I have been trying to loose, having said to others that my wife deserves less of me, physically and spiritually. Wow, I’m starting to wake up now. I have my men’s business lunch group today; I am not sure what I will talk about. Driving around doing errands and thinking I need to work, I was just not in the mood. It’s all her fault anyways, so I have her to blame for having a non-productive day. Oh, no I completely missed a morning appointment. 

I arrive early at lunch and think I will work a little on my book, and this is the result. 

After sharing with the guys some of what I had experienced I realized after about 30 minutes or so that I could have stopped the whole disagreement by not being so selfish. If I had only stopped to think about what I know about my lovely wife, I would have known that she likes her beauty sleep, (I have carefully chosen to use the word “likes” instead of “needs” beauty sleep), because she truly is a beautiful woman inside and out. I should have known that we went a little late in our meeting. I should have known that after eleven pm she is not interested in having a long conversation. I should have know after 15 years that when she gets tired she says things she does not mean. I should have known her better. This is my sin. The sin that started it all. I can think now of lots of verses that should have come to me last night. Like “Philippians 2: 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” or “I Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered”. I should have known. Nothing else matters. It does not matter what she did, that is between her and God. God wants to change me. And today I think He did. I will remember. I will commit to memory which cabinet holds the “flower vase” instead of ammunition.

We came to the Dominican Republic to build a church for the people. God had prepared our hearts and our bodies to serve Him. The first day the sound of hammers, saws and drills filled the area like music. Most of us did not know what we were building, only that this pieces of wood had to be cut to certain lengths and some with angles and then the pieces started fitting together. Some would hold the pieces in place and others would fasten them with screws and nails. Mistakes were made and corrected. Everyone worked together. 

On the sixth day all the pieces that we built were loaded on to a truck and the whole group traveled by bus following the truck. As we arrived Dominican children gathered around to watch while we assembled the pieces one by one. First the side panels, then a window and a door, then the roof panels. In about 6 hours we finished and that is how we built a church.

But let me back up a little and take a closer look. While we were assembling a church building, God was building the church.

He was showing us that we do not need to know everything that He is doing, we just need to do our part.

He showed us what it looks like for the body of believers to work together and that if we are assembled in just the right way that we are His church.

He showed that when we make mistakes and admit that we are weak then He is strong and that if we work together we can accomplish more than we can apart.

He showed us that it is more important to work together than it is to just get it done. Even if it takes longer, the church He is building in us will have a stronger foundation.

And finally He showed us that all He needed for us to do is to say “YES! I will go.” He did the rest. It would be impossible to describe here all that He did but some of our group have written a few words that I would like to share with you all. Thank you for praying and giving. If you see Karl and Lori Droppers at church, let them know you appreciate their leadership for so many years to our middle school children by leading this trip – James Price

Kimmy Joe Burtrum (14)- With every screw that goes in, love, laughter, jokes, joy and memories come out.

Mara Droppers (14) – This week was spectacular! I have been on this trip seven times now and it just keeps getting better. I feel like through me, God may have changed peoples lives and I am so so proud of that.

Renae Burtrum – We were like a little mustard seed. I pray that like the mustard seed, this chapel will grow its roots deep and wide with the love of Christ.

Steve Johnson – It was one of the most rewarding things I have done. The joy of seeing the pastor receive the keys after 5 years of prayer was incredible.

Timmy Burtrum (15) – It was a great time to spend with people from a different culture (our Dominican leaders) and build strong relationships with them.

Lori Droppers – I always wonder if I will feel God show up to fill this temple with His spirit. I know God will show up, He always does, but will I feel it? The answer is yes! I felt His spirit fill this new temple with His presence and I couldn’t help but weep with joy that He is so faithful to always show up and even more to fill each of us so that we feel overwhelmed by the presence of God as we prayed to bless this new holy ground! To God be the glory!

Karl Droppers – Great Team! Everyone helped, everyone shared. God was good to us. Leaving with a church building standing and a new place for the village to worship is awesome.

Tony Burtrum (12) – I had a great time, but one thing that I will always remember is this little girl named Marryal, she was about 3 years old and she waas the cutest little girl I have ever seen. She was like an angel to me and little angels like that make me so happy to serve God in a place like the Dominican Republic. I might never see her again, but hopefully I will see her in heaven.

Matt Price (13) – I have been two times and it is still amazing. It’s like when you start the trip you feel lazy, but when you are done you feel like a weight has been lifted and stress is gone. I made lots of friends here with the group and with little Dominican boys like Yohansen. I haven’t even left yet and I am already sad that I have to leave.

Deanna – I came on my first distributed journey in an effort to share God’s blessings to the people, especially the children of the Dominican Republic. However the blessing I will take home with me is so much greater. The knowledge that we have affected the future for “the least of these” is such a blessing to me.

Stephanie Williams – This is my 3^rd trip to the D.R. and I am overwhelmed each time at how the building of the chapel comes together. To think a man prays for 5 years for God to prepare a church for the people and then we come bringing God’s blessings, Wow! It just doesn’t get any better than that.

Destiny Willams (14)- This is my 3^rd time going on this trip and I just love coming. I love how friendly and happy the people are.and I always love to come and tell children about Jesus and how they can be saved just by believing that He is not dead. I love making new friends on this trip every time I go. This may be my last time going on this trip because of high school, but I am never going to forget the children and the church and all the fun things in the DR.

Leah Truckenbrod (8^th Grade) – The entire attitude and the mood of this trip is truly magical. Its impossible to not have a smile when I see the faces of the children. Ive developed bonds in the DR with people and God that I will never forget. The entire trip and the 2 former trips I have taken here, are indescribable.

Jodi Boncore – With God all things are possible. Thank you God for showing up in this place and for your promise that where two or more gather you are there! While we were only here for 1 week we know it is all about what God will do in the hearts of His people, in that sweet village for days, months and years to come. We look forward to the day when we gather around the throne together when we meet again. Thank you Jesus!

Rosalie Salvador – I was so surprised that I was much more prepared and equipped to serve in this ministry than I realized. I learned how important it is to put all of my trust in God will equip me in the way that He needs me to be.

Trent Truckenbrod – This is my 4^th trip to the DR and it has a different flavor and new lessons every year. God always orchestrates an incredible team that comes together as an awesome divine love spreading machine! The Dominicans always remind me of what it means to come to God as little children. They love God with a simple faith that is not distracted by material possessions or needs.

Steve Boncore – God revealed to me the rest of the world. God truly touched my heart through this entire experience more than any single life experience I’ve ever had. Faith is expressed here in all the people. I pray that the rest of the world would experience a third world country so maybe they could all have the faith and face of these people. Life is precious and these people are living it to the fullest. We will see them again in heaven. Thanks be to God.

If we can start building our case in God’s Court and truly look for ways to change ourselves for God’s glory then we can begin to build our marriage on a solid foundation. As we begin building we need to open the lines of communication and start talking about how to build a better marriage. One way to begin this process is to agree with God before each other that you each have your struggles. The struggles you have every day is your battle and you need to talk with your spouse about your battle plan.

Most of us live our lives by planning. Some of us plan out the details of our days sometimes up to a week or month in advance. Others may not have that much forethought and detail, but there is usually at least some semblance of a plan for our days. We plan everything, or do we? Do you have a plan for today? What will you do tomorrow?

Now that I have got you thinking about your plans and how well or how poorly you do in planning, let me shift slightly and get you to think about an area of your life that many do not plan well.

For a moment let yourself of the hook and focus on how most people do in the area of planning.

Imagine for a moment that you are taking a survey and first you enter a room full of unwed mothers, You stand there with your clipboard and you ask them all by a show of hands “How many of you planned to become mothers at this stage in your lives?” I would assume you would not see many hands. You have more questions for them but we will pause this portion of the story much the same way as you might see in a movie with multiple story lines and we will move to a scene in the next room where you are asking a very similar question. In this room there are men and women who’s marriages have ended due to an affair. You ask the question, “How many of you planned to have this affair?” Once again very few hands. In both rooms you ask another question, “How many of you had a plan to avoid this happening to you?” Some might have had a purpose at one time to avoid these types of things, but most do not have a detailed specific plan on how to avoid sin. And this is where I bring your planning skills back into the story. As you can see it is absolutely essential that we have a plan to avoid sin. If we don’t have a plan and if we don’t stick to our plan, we will fall into sin of all kinds. So what does a plan like this look like?

We must agree that we can all be tempted in all areas of sin and we need to plan our escape.

But remember we are not alone in this struggle.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

Next we must agree that we are in a battle and we must be properly armed.

Psalm 119:11 I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.

The best plans will include memorizing portions of Gods word that will serve as road blocks to sin. A part of your plan may include places and maybe even people that you should avoid. Most of us think that we are much better at resisting temptation than we really are, so your personal plan needs to be more strict than you might first think. Finally, It is way to easy to change your plan and to think that you will not be tempted if you allow yourself to cheat on your plan, so I recommend that you find a good friend to share your plan with and ask them to keep you accountable.

Parents, talk about these things with your children, help them make their plan. Be very specific as you plan together. Role play some examples, make sure they know when to just walk away from a situation and that God will be with them and give them strength. And most of all remember you will need to show them that you have a plan as well.

The Following is an account of my conversations with my friends, family and church members regarding their plan. I welcome your input here. …..

Nobody likes conflict, some will agree with you just to avoid it and others will just walk away, but no matter how you handle conflict, I think you would agree that most relationship conflicts are about the way you want things to be. We find that it is easier to justify this self focus if we can make the battle between us and someone else, but most often the real battle is between us and God, our way vs. His way. His way is to consider others better than ourselves and to put their needs before our own. (Phil 2:3) What we are talking about is sacrifice. Sacrifice is not a pleasant thought for us; by nature we have difficulty with the thought of giving something up for someone else. It makes us uncomfortable, even though we understand Christ’s example and are thankful for His sacrifice for us, it is very difficult for us to consider sacrifice for others.

If Jesus were to stand in front of us now and ask us to do something for Him, I can imagine that anyone who truly understands what He did for us on the cross would say “Anything Jesus, anything at all”. If you are agreeing with me then let me ask you, is it the thought of Jesus standing in front of you that would make you respond in such a way? Or is it just the idea of doing something directly for Jesus? What if He wanted you to do something for another human being? Do you still have the same level of enthusiasm?

Let me take the focus off of you for a moment and remind you of a story in the Bible that may help to clarify this struggle.

The rich young man in Matthew 19:16-30 came up to Jesus and asked what he could do to gain eternal life. This passage is often used to warn people about the pursuit of worldly wealth and to caution them to not allow their love for money to keep them from serving God.

Today I want to dig a little deeper. I can only speculate here, but I think the man came up to Jesus and was excited and was thinking that he would do anything for Jesus. He probably expected Jesus to ask him to do something for Him or maybe he expected Jesus to just say follow me as He had said to the disciples, I think it is even possible that if Jesus asked for his wealth he may have been willing to give much or all directly to Jesus, but Jesus saw his heart. He saw that the man not only loved his wealth, but that he was not willing to sacrifice for his fellow human beings.

It is hard for us to give up what we have for the benefit of even our loved ones, much less for strangers. In Matthew 25:40 we read.

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

We must ask God to help us to have this attitude. It does not come naturally for us. We need God to transform our minds, to help us to be just as willing and excited to serve others as we would be if Jesus were standing before us asking us to do the same directly for Him. After all He is asking us.

So how does this relate to conflict? You see conflict often occurs when we are being asked to give something up or sacrifice for others. We become protective of our own wants and desires and sometimes our views.

How did we become so self protective?

We start very young with a self protection focus. God has made us with many defense mechanisms. When we are children our parents protect us from physical harm. Don’t touch that, walk don’t run, look both ways before you cross the street. Protecting ourselves is obviously a learned behavior. Have you noticed though that even as children, we did not learn until we were hurt. Although it is difficult I believe that this is what God meant for us to understand from

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

We usually stop there and say privately “That’s crazy! Who would rejoice during difficult times?” But lets read on.

James 1:3-4 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

You see the joy only comes after we have learned what God wants us to learn through the trials. The purpose of the hurt is so that we will grow and be mature.

Our parents protect us until we can protect ourselves and then we begin to avoid difficulties to avoid being hurt. As we grow older we avoid being hurt at all costs. In the same manner we avoid conflict to avoid being hurt. But we are also avoiding growth.

Recently as we have been mentoring young couples who are about to be married we have discussed how important it is to be willing to do hard things. Doing hard things including sacrificing your way for your mates or even better your way for God’s way.
My prayer for all marriages including my own is that we would welcome the hard decisions as God’s way of continuing His transforming work in us.

Philipians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

And as one of my favorite Christian music groups “Mercy Me” says in one of their songs “Bring the Rain” We need to be ok with welcoming the hard times. Too many Christian marriages end because they are not happy any more or they are not in love any more.

Is there one thing?

A friend of mine wrote:
I see all your sweet pre-marital couples online. They look so young, fresh and happy! You must love working with them.

There have been many people in my circle who have recently divorced. These are Christian people who love God. And, I know that every situation has a different story.

But, here’s my question. Funny, coming from someone like me who’s been married 20 years. My marriage has had all of those “things” that break up a marriage (except infidelity–which I consider a result, not a cause). Do you think there is one thing that keeps a marriage together?

People have commented on how lucky I am. Or on how much they admire that my marriage has lasted. And, they ask how we do it. Like there is some secret to staying married. Other than just staying married!

When my kids are misbehave and have to be punished, I’ve heard the famous, “You don’t love me.” from them. I always challenge them on that. Making sure they understand the difference between being mad at someone and not loving them. And, if they are aware of a fight between my husband and me, I reassure them with the same explanation. Daddy and I still love each other, we are just angry (or just disagree) on something.

So, when people ask me how we make our marriage last, my answer is that I love him. But that seems to leave an opening for falling out of love. A danger that one of those “things” could erode the love and end the marriage.

So, what is it? Why do I reach a point where I can’t imagine staying with “this man one more day!” and yet, would never walk away.

So, is hope the one thing? I know that any problem will be resolved in some fashion. If I didn’t know that, would that be the end?

I’ve heard people say that “commitment” is the one thing. But that sounds so dry. Like you’d be stuck in a lifeless marriage forever just because it is the right thing to do.

“Communication” is another thing you are taught from pre-marital years on. Is it being able to discuss anything and everything with your partner that keeps a marriage cemented?

So, what do you think, James? Are there many things that destroy a marriage, but one thing that holds it together? Or, are people who have been married for many years, keeping a lot of balls in the air? And are they just “lucky” that one of those balls hasn’t dropped? People talk about marriage being work. I don’t know that I’d describe it as work, more like a lot of decisions…made with prayer, a lot of talking and an understanding that we both want to be together.

One of my friends recently filled me in on the details of her divorce. And, despite being “experienced” at marriage, I was at a loss in trying to answer some of her questions. So, I just listened and empathized. But, this latest divorce between another Christian couple has me thinking (worrying) again about my conversation with my friend. Thought you might have some insight for me.

My answer:

Thank you for your confidence in me. I do not claim to have all the answers on this subject, but as the title of my blog/book TheAuthorOfMarriage.com suggests God is the author of marriage. So based on what I believe He says I will try to answer the best that I can.

Is there one thing that keeps a marriage together? I think it is clear that there are different things that have been successful in keeping marriages together. As Christians the easy answer is God. But if knowing God was the answer then there would have to be a 100% failure in non-Christian marriages. And 100% success rate in Christian marriages, which we all know is not true.

Since your question is primarily focused on Christian couples, I will answer that first and reword your question slightly.

Is there one thing that can keep a Christian couple together? To that question I say yes there is one thing, yet it may show up in the common answers like commitment, love, respect and many more. The one thing is a willingness to change and be transformed.

If both husband and wife are committed to God and will acknowledge that the Author of marriage has a purpose for putting two people together and asking them to be one, then I believe that marriage will stay strong and last.

Most people don’t ever ask what the purpose of marriage is. People get married for many reasons including having a companion, being happy, being complete and many more that they may not want to admit, like having someone to mow the lawn or do the dishes and cook.

I believe the answer to what can keep a couple together is also the answer to the question, What is the purpose of marriage?

So why does it seem that even the most Godly people are not immune to divorce? I think it is again based on our willingness to change. Not just changing the obvious things that we read about in the scriptures. I think the hardest things to change are the ones that we can not find in the scriptures, like what is a wise spending choice? We do not find passages that tell us if it is ok to spend money on getting your hair done, going to the movies, which clothes to buy, how big of a tv you should have, how much money you should save or what about things like parenting? We have some basics, but we are not told what grades they should get, should we push them harder, should we let them fall and pick themselves up?

Now, I am sure that somewhere in that list you said, I know the answer to that one. But do you? And what is your answer based on? You may even say to me your answer is based on the scriptures, but I would say that your answer is based on your understanding of scriptures at this time. Now, I agree there are some things that are not grey areas and that the scriptures speak very clearly on. But what about the rest? What do you do when you think there is a certain way things should be done and your spouse disagrees with you?

So the answer to success in marriage is to be willing to change for the benefit of your spouse. But what about the things that you have proof that your way is right? Maybe even from the scriptures?

As Christians we study the word and sometimes with the best of intentions to know God better and love Him more. But sometimes we open God’s word to prove a point. Usually something we have already made up our mind on. If we can find support for our view we will use it to win. This usually happens without us being aware. This is the reason that we must look again each and every day. I am sure you have read certain passages over and over and then one day, you see something or understand something you did not understand before.

So with that possibility that you may not have completely understood everything about that passage you are standing so strong on. Revisit your beliefs again and do it together. The more you think you know the harder it will be.

So my challenge is to rethink the things you think you know and have proven with scriptures. Revisit each topic together.

Now, again what about the things that are not clear in the scriptures? What about preferences, personality differences or the way we grew up? These are most often the things that are the most difficult because there is no right answer. It is with these issues that we can chip away at each other. Just one difference is not a problem, but most of us have an undefined limit. This limit is influenced by our past, our upbringing or family tradition.

The question is, Are you willing to change these things? Some would say “WHY?” It is who I am. But I have to remind you that the Author of marriage says “Consider others better than yourself”. By His example we are called to sacrifice everything including our lives if necessary. Marriages fail because we want to keep our identity, but God wants to transform us and He wants to use our spouses to do that. Divorce is most often a resistance to the transformation.

So I believe the answer is change and sacrifice.
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

Most of us will never be asked to actually give up our lives for our spouses, but giving up our wants, needs and desires for each other is the least we can do.

I believe the reason we have trouble with sacrificing for others is because of our difficulty with another word ‘Trust’. If we really trusted God then we would not have such difficulty with giving up our own wants and desires for Him or for others.

We have to change our thinking
Many of us have been brought up with a concept of, ‘If I don’t stick up for myself then no one else will’ or ‘If it’s gonna be it’s up to me.’, My wife Cindy will share with you that she even had a coffee mug with this on it at one point in her career. After trusting Christ as her Savior she realized this was somewhat self focused, and has long since retired the mug and that philosophy.

Trust Him
So why don’t we trust God with all of our lives? I am convinced that the answer to that is that we do not know Him well enough. So this is where I leave you with a challenge. Fall on your knees, acknowledge what Jesus has done on the cross, acknowledge His sacrifice for you, and ask Him to forgive you for your self seeking ways, then turn to your spouse, children and friends and ask them to forgive you. Now live each day aware of Gods presence, seek Him, learn from Him and read His love letter to you so you may know Him better.

As you may have noticed, one of my favorite things to do at my church is to meet with married couples. I have had the privilege of meeting with some who are planning to be married and some who have been married for a while. I enjoy reminding them of what God says about marriage and helping them work through their struggles. As I have done this I have noticed some consistencies that may help us to understand the nature of conflict.

I think we watch way too many lawyer shows, because we are getting really good at building our case as if we are going to court. It is not very hard to find things that our spouse is doing wrong and we definitely have a list of our rights committed to memory. When things go wrong we naturally want someone to blame and we add that to our case against each other even if it wasn’t their fault.

Many couples will agree that counseling is a good idea, but usually the reason behind this is to find someone who will be a witness for their side, someone who will be able to get their spouse to see how wrong they are. If they do not become aware of their tendency to be constantly building a case it can get much worse, they often will extend their search for a jury. They will speak to their friends and tell them every detail, naturally leaving out any wrong doing on their part. If their friends will not see their side they will sometimes even begin to distance themselves from those friends and will take up new ones that agree with them.

Now, this all sounds almost unbelievable, but I have seen it, the progression is ever so gradual, they really do not see what you may see as you read this. They do not realize that they are slowly being consumed by the need to defend themselves and to defend their rights as they see them.

So what do we do about this? Whether you have found yourself in this description or you know of someone who is headed down this road, I assure you there is hope, but we must stop building a case for the world’s court system. We must begin to build a case in God’s court. In God’s court He is the only one who can truly meet our needs. In God’s court it is not you against your spouse. The case we must build is only for our own actions. Are we being like Christ? Do we love as He does? Are we taking the form of a servant? Are we considering others as better than ourselves? Are we giving up things for the benefit of others? These are the things we will be judged on. But don’t forget another awesome truth about God’s court is that, all we have to do is admit and agree with Him that we have fallen short and He will forgive us on the spot and if we allow Him, He will transform us and the change in us will draw others to Him. So go ahead, build your case, but build it as unto the Lord, not as unto men.

Early in our marriage a counselor friend of mine said something to me that made a significant impact on me. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember the message God spoke through him. At the time I sat in his office and shared that I was discouraged because it seemed I could never do enough to please my wife. I felt like I was trying very hard to do what she expected. Sometimes she wouldn’t even notice my efforts at alb l. I felt like giving up.

He stopped me and said something like, “Don’t let that bother you; she was made to long for perfection. This is good news. It means she is longing for heaven.”

Since that day I have added many things to this message from real life experience. It started with a personal struggle, If she is longing for perfection, then I am off the hook, because she won’t find that in me or any other person on earth. But just as I felt relief, I realized my responsibility as a husband to be a Godly man that would show the character of Christ. Now the pressure is on again, but wait, that’s not something I can do in my power. So the pressure is off again. So all I have to do is yield to Christ in me. Now the battle begins again because I am not sure I completely trust Him, But WHY?

Why don’t I trust Him completely? The answer is, I just don’t know Him well enough. After all these years, all the bible training and all the amazing things he has done for me and I still don’t completely trust him?

I am only a little encouraged as I realize that I am in good company. Paul spoke of his struggles to do the right things even when he genuinely wanted to; he seemed to be unable to. The Israelites did the same; over and over again God came through in miraculous ways. It didn’t take long for them to forget all that He had done and begin to complain again. Then God would send a prophet and the people would bow down and praise God. We may think that is absurd but many of us are guilty of even shorter memories. How many of you had a spiritual revelation last Sunday, but today can not remember exactly what it was that stirred your heart? This is the very reason that Jesus said to practice the taking of the elements (communion), so that we would remember. God knows we have short term memory problems. He can help us, if we ask Him to.

I refuse to forget that God brought my wife and I together, and that He knew what He was doing. She is part of His plan in my life to make me into the man He has called me to be.

God is training me to hear the deeper message from my wife’s heart. The message I hear is, “We’re not home yet. I’m not sure I like it here. I just want to go home…. I want perfection, I want heaven, I want Jesus. “

I can’t say I never take it personally anymore, but I can say I am learning to hear the deeper things, I am learning to hear what is not said and to answer the questions that are never asked. I can hear her now, Asking “Am I loved? Am I worth fighting for?” The answer is a resounding YES. But am I speaking her language? Can she even hear me? I am happy to say with God’s help, I am learning to speak “Cindy”. I still need a translator sometimes; He is always there ready and willing to translate a language that only He is fluent in. Sometimes I find myself laboring over every word, struggling to make sense of things, forgetting that all I have to do is ask for a word from the ultimate communicator. What are my lines again?

Other times I think I am speaking eloquently and thinking to myself, “I am good at this”, and then I look at her and see a confused look and then I realize I’ve been speaking “James” and she has not understood a word.

As the years have gone by my wonderful wife has learned to be more content and to seek God to fulfill her needs. Now when I do well at loving her, she is able to enjoy my efforts instead of it being just one small effort that gets lost in a great list of expectations.

So next time you are feeling discouraged about your marriage, ask yourself if you are speaking the right language. Give yourself a break. It’s not your job to make her or him feel loved, that is God’s job. Your job is to love them. Find joy in that. Find joy in learning his or her language and remember there is only one translator who speaks their language fluently, don’t forget to ask for the Holy Spirit to give you just the right words to say. Your job is to love and if you are loving well, the process of loving will fulfill you, it will give you strength that you did not know you had. It will leave you needing nothing but the author of love (Jesus).

We are made for Heaven, So it is not a surprise that we are pursuing these things. We must admit and know that we will not see perfection and we will not be completely happy until we are home in heaven with our creator.

Once we have admitted this and agree that God has put us with the man or woman that He has for a reason then we have to safeguard against falling back into this terrible trap that often ends in divorce.

In the next 2 sections or chapters I will begin to outline how some couples react when they notice a lack of perfection or happiness.

Iam amazed at how important Happiness is to the married couples I meet with. I often hear them say, “I’m just not happy”. Maybe someone can show me, but I do not remember happiness being a biblical ingredient in marriage.

It may be that my definition of happiness is the problem or possibly the solution. I guess when I think about happiness, I think of the things that people usually pursue to make them happy. I do not need to list them here as I know you are very aware of them.

I would hope that the things that Christians pursue are different than the things pursued by people without faith in Jesus. But I am afraid there is not as much difference as you or I would be comfortable with.

It is almost impossible to define the word happiness without using other words that are similar, but in my opinion not the same.

For example “Joy” seems to be more about choice not circumstances. As we see in

James 1:2
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Even when things are not going well, we can have joy. This kind of Joy comes only from God. It is also the kind of joy that would see conflict with our spouses as a way to know each other better and to learn more about God and His plan for us. The scriptures to speak of both happiness and joy in Psalm 68:3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.

If the two words mean the same thing then why did God use them both in this verse? The use of the word happy here is evidence that Happiness is not all bad.

So why do I have a problem with the pursuit of happiness? I think it is because it seems to be more self focused than joy. Focusing on our selves and our needs 1st is a recipe for a failed marriage.

So in conclusion, Being happy is a good thing, but it should never be the goal in marriage. Joy however can be found if you only just look. Joy can be found even when you are wrong and your spouse is right. Joy can be found when things are going well and when life seems to be giving you lemons, joy helps you make lemonade. How sweet it is to know the joy of the lord.

Why don’t we have to have a marriage degree to get married? Everything else in life we have to study for. We get certifications in just about everything. If you want to be a financial planner, you have to study hard for years and get several certifications before becoming a CFP (Certified Financial Planner). And I should know my wife has this designation, I saw all the studying she had to do to get it. And what if you wanted to be an attorney or a doctor? You would have to do years of study and get a degree, and even then that wouldn’t necessarily make you a good doctor or attorney.

My point is we work very hard and study sometimes for years to get the job we want. Why don’t we do the same before we get married? After all it is one of the most complex relationships on earth. We have to perform surgery on our hearts all the time in marriage, sometimes on our own hearts, and other times on our spouses. Tell me a man who understands a woman’s heart? Most will say it’s impossible. Tell me a woman who has figured out how to tame a man’s heart and then I will tell you she has done the wrong thing. He is supposed to be wild, it is what makes him a man.

So why shouldn’t we be required to get a degree before getting married? Some will seek pre-marriage counseling. I have had the privilege of helping couples get ready for marriage. But even 3 or 4 sessions before getting married, just isn’t enough. Most will say, “You don’t understand we are different, we understand each other, we are in love.” And after being married sometimes only weeks later, they say, You were right about…Fill in the blank with any number of issues.

It bothers me when I suggest a book about marriage and people don’t take the time to read it. By far the most relevant book about marriage is none other than the Bible. You see marriage was instituted by God, a line I often use when performing a marriage ceremony. So if God designed it, then He must know a little about it. So we need to be studying His word to help us become better at being married.

It’s never too late, whether you are getting married or have been married for years, you need to study how to be better at it, study God’s example on how to love your spouse better.

2 Timothy 2:15Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.

We have to study and prepare for life and marriage. And we have to commit the vows of the scriptures to memory, so that we may be able to fight the battle. The battle is against what the world says about marriage. Prepare yourself for this battle:

Psalm 119:11
I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you

Ephesians 6:13
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Putting on the armor and fighting the battle, is just another way of saying READ what God has said in His word, Know Him better, Pursue Christ likeness, Arm yourself with the sword of truth means, memorize God’s word and take it with you.

The sWORD of truth was the foundational topic of my son’s 13^th birthday celebration, when my niece turned 13 my brother performed a little ceremony where he spoke to his daughter about foundational topics and in the end asked her to wear a promise ring agreeing publicly to dedication to God and commitment to purity. When my son approached 13 I wanted to have the opportunity to do the same sort of thing, but did not think a ring would communicate the same thing. I had heard of fathers doing a right of passage ceremony and liked the little I heard. So I decided that I would buy my son a sword and ask him to hang it on his wall to remind him of the commitments he had made. I spoke to him about the Word of God as his instruction book for life, I also spoke to him about the use of his own words and how important it was to choose his words carefully when speaking to his parents, his sister and his friends. I stressed the importance of memorizing the scriptures. I told him the story of the 2 bull dogs. I said imagine if you had 2 bull dogs that were in separate pens, one that is white and the other black. The white one represents all that is good and Godly. The other is black and represents all the world has to offer. Now what if you went out every day and only fed the black one, but neglected the white one, which one would be stronger? Of course he answered the one you feed the most is going to be the stronger one. I went on to say the feeding the dogs represent what you do every day. What you see, what you hear and what you do. The moral of the story is that if you spend too much time welcoming the input of the world and not enough time reading Gods word, listening to Godly people and doing what you know is right then you will be feeding the wrong dog.

The problem with this story is that someone is always feeding the black dog; there is so much food for him. If we are going to catch up, we really need to work at it.

If we are not reading the scriptures and memorizing what it says, then we are fighting a loosing battle or as I often like to say we need to the mental road blocks.

Mental road blocks are anything that allows us to not go there.. You have probably even heard these words from your spouse. “Don’t go there…” We want to respond to our husband or wife in a way that is not honoring to God, say they have just said something hurtful, our natural reaction is to respond with something like “But you always…”  or  “You never…” A good road block for this would be “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up.” Or “Do not retaliate….”

Words are the foundation. God’s word is alive and can not be matched. Reading His word is by far the best thing we can ever do. Also, reading books that direct us to the scriptures is necessary to build the road blocks. Feed the white bull dog! Read God’s love letter to you. Study, hide it in your heart, put on the armor and fight for what is right before God.

So next time you pick up the Holy Bible think to yourself I am going to study to be the best husband or wife I can possibly be. Even better, pick it up together with that purpose in mind, and pray together that God would teach you

READ! It just may save your marriage.

As I have written previously I believe the purpose of marriage is to further God’s transforming work in us. So lets continue to explore the qualities of God and evaluate how well we are doing in our efforts to be more like Him. One of the most awesome foundational truths about God is His unconditional and complete forgiveness of our sins.

Before I get started on the topic of forgiveness, let me make it clear that our goal is to pursue Christ likeness, but no matter how hard we try, there are some things about Him that we will never be able to understand or imitate. However, He still calls us to pursue understanding and transformation. One example is His ability to forget our past sins. It usually takes much prayer for us to not use past sins against us as ammunition, manipulation or leverage to get something we want. …

God does not keep records of wrongs or use our past to make us do as He wishes. And here is another one, Would you forgive someone if you knew they would do the same thing again? God forgives you even when He knows the future and knows that you are going to repeat the same behavior.

Some of you have not forgiven yourselves for something and others have not been able to bring themselves to forgive someone else. I am going to discuss both of these aspects of forgiveness. Obviously Jesus is our perfect example and we are supposed to learn from how He forgives us. As I mentioned earlier a study of Jesus is always helpful for us to understand Him better. My wife is sitting in a chair right now just a few feet away reading an excellent book by Charles Swindoll that profiles Jesus. Jesus, if we could only be like Him, we would not have any trouble forgiving ourselves or others. 

Before I write a few of my own thoughts about forgiving like Christ forgives us, I want to discuss the practical aspects of forgiveness.

First, let me say that if you are the one who has not forgiven themselves for something, then I would like to challenge you to think about the sacrifice that Jesus made for you on the cross so that you could be forgiven. Was it enough? Do you believe He has forgiven you? If He has forgiven you, as I know He has, then by not forgiving yourself, you are not accepting His sacrifice as enough. I understand that the circumstances or consequences of your behavior may sometimes make it hard to forget or forgive. But God is God and you are not. If He has forgiven you, then you will need to accept.

If you are the one having trouble forgiving someone else, then I think my struggles this past year may be helpful for you. You see I have always been a forgiving person, I suppose it is because I know how much forgiveness I need and therefore when someone needs to feel Christ’s forgiveness from someone here on earth, I am happy to share with them the wonders of how our Savior forgives.

But here is where the problem for me began. I had a year where my trust in someone was abused. This person caused much difficulty in my life, I will not go into great detail, as I do not think it is relevant, but I have to admit I struggled with being able to forgive this person. I have always thought that if anyone where to ask for my forgiveness, that I would offer it freely. But, I have always made this conditional on one word, “Ask”.  If they ask I will forgive them. But the time went by and there was no asking. I stood strong on the verse

Ephesians 1:9“If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins”

I was trying to model what God does or so I thought. One day as I was struggling with this I realized that It was really damaging me. I was no longer writing, I was not doing some of the ministry things I so much enjoyed. But, I was just waiting for the person to ask me to forgive them. And then it hit me. They may never ask and it did not seem to be bothering them. I was the only one who was being hurt. The thought came to me with a resounding “DUH”. I should have known this.

The verse that I love still bothered me, and then I realized that God’s forgiveness is always available. It is not conditional based on weather or not we ask, but the confession is for us, it is sort of an acceptance of what He has already done. I also thought of another passage when Jesus was dying on the Cross, He said “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. So He does forgive even if we are not even aware of our sin. It is only when we confess, agree with Him and acknowledge our sin that we can enjoy the beauty of forgiveness.

So don’t hold back your forgiveness of others, even if you think they are not worthy of your forgiveness. Holding on to a grudge will only hurt you. If you hold back forgiveness for others or for yourself, you will be held back from pursuing all that God has for you.